This post is the first in a series that explores the uxorious model of a devoted wife focused marriage, and discusses the concept of penance and how it differs from punishment in this model.
Penance can mean different things to different people. In our case, penance means an act of self-mortification or devotion performed voluntarily to show sorrow for a wrongdoing. The purpose of the penance is to demonstrate an adjustment in attitude or behavior that corrects the wrongdoing. The hope is that these adjustments will eliminate future occurrences of the wrongdoing. If increasingly firm adjustments do not correct the problem, punishment would follow. In the uxorious model, penance differs from punishment in several ways.
First, penance should be undertaken voluntarily. The specific action required might, in some cases, be chosen by the wife, but the husband agrees to do it as a way to make amends for something done wrong. Refusing to perform a reasonable act of atonement means not accepting responsibility for actions resulting in the wife's unhappiness. In that case, punishment would follow. Accepting and completing the penance shows devotion and a willingness to improve.
The second major difference is that the focus of penance is demonstrating a desire and ability to improve, while the focus of punishment is to correct when either the desire or ability to improve is seriously impaired.
The third difference is that penance is most effective when the act of atonement is closely related to the wrongdoing, while punishment can be generic. Punishment could be effective even if it was always the same activity, such as inflicting pain by caning, as long as it was something truly dreaded by the offender. Play spankings are not punishment in this model. Perhaps an example of a penance would serve here.
Let's say the wife expects that her personal toilet be spotless at all times. She would reasonably expect her husband to monitor it's condition frequently, and clean it as often as needed. The first time she discovered a dirty toilet, she might inquire as to why it wasn't cleaned, and instruct that it be cleaned immediately as penance for this wrongdoing, regardless of any inconvenience that might result. On the second occurrence, she might raise the penance bar by requiring that he immediately spend 30 minutes with his head deep in said toilet in reflection of his wrongdoing before completing the cleaning. For the third offense, perhaps the reflection time increases, or maybe the cleaning is conducted without tools. The mortification would continue to increase for as long as needed, or until inability or unwillingness to improve is evident.
Finally, penance is most effective when it happens as close to the wrongdoing as possible. This is well understood in the world of dog training. If time does pass between the wrongdoing and the penance, it is recommended that the penance be preceded by a discussion of what the expected behavior or rule is, and a re-commitment to improve is obtained. Punishment, on the other hand, can be equally or more effective when postponed to a future time. In this case, the waiting can be just as painful as the punishment, and can add to the correction.
It can be challenging to come up with appropriate penance for wrongdoings in the heat of the moment. It should not always be the burden of the wife to determine appropriate penances. If nothing comes to her mind immediately, she can demand that he offer up a suitable penance. If he cannot, I suggest she place him in timeout until he or she determines the penance.
In the resource section are a set of penance cards that can offer some helpful ideas. The are divided into penances for behavioral, mental, physical and sexual wrongdoings. These are fairly generic in that they don't always tie back to a specific rule offense, as each couple will have different rules and expectations. Hopefully they will be helpful in explaining how penance is used in the uxorious model.
~ uxorious mate
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