Wednesday, October 12, 2016

“Those who choose to be servants know the most about being free.”

- Title quote by Janette Oke

Queen X has an offer for you.
For your viewing pleasure, a new scenario is listed in the resource section.  Written some time past, this scenario is a role-play where your wife receives an offer from her friend for the use of her husband as a maid for a few days.  I wrote this as an experiment to see if Madame would be more comfortable with me serving her as a complete stranger, rather than as a changed version of myself.  In this document is an introduction, an offer letter with guidelines, an acceptance form and a chore checklist.  

This scenario is self contained and does not require the use of the uxorious game cards.  As I envisioned this, it would not involve much from the wife except maintaining, as best she is able, a mental state of entitlement and superiority.  The Crawley women in the television series Downton Abbey are fine examples of this mental state.  The expectation of good service and issuance of verbal correction (threat of termination and a poor reference could mean a life of destitution in past times) when warranted was the basis of their interaction. As I was merely a servant on loan, Madame need only enjoy herself without a care about my wants or needs.  The main focus in this scenario was to provide Madame with an opportunity to detach herself from her normal "giving" mental state and experience a state of entitled "taking".  In our case, structured experiences like this were important in learning to break away from well established marital roles.  

This scenario worked well enough the few times we used it.  We did find that maintaining the illusion of being complete strangers to each other was difficult.  It wasn't something we could do for more than a day or so.  That was fine because Madame became more comfortable with entitlement and I more comfortable with providing service without expectations.   It also led to discussion about the possibility of her loaning me out as a servant to someone in the future.  I doubt it would be as a sissy-maid, at least not at first; rather its more likely that I'd serve as surrogate househusband for a few elderly lady friends of hers.  That would suit me just fine.

Hopefully this scenario might be useful to someone else as well.  

~ uxorious mate

Friday, October 7, 2016

"I have too many fantasies to be a housewife. I guess I am a fantasy"

- Title quote by Marilyn Monroe

Years ago when the television show Mad Men was gaining popularity, I created a role-play scenario where Madame would be the stereotypical 50's husband and I would play the stereotypical 50's housewife.  This was a complete reversal of our roles at the time.  We both worked 8-5 jobs, but after work she was the one to cook and clean up after, while I lounged with a drink and watched the news on television.   At that point we lived in the relationship model of our parents.  She did everything inside the house except repairs, and I did everything related to the outside of the house. This role-play started us down the path of redefining those inherited roles.

Role-play is an excellent way to establish new attitudes and behaviors, especially when habitual relationship patterns exist.  It is easier to establish a wife focused relationship from the outset than it is after many years of conventional marriage.  As a "giver", Madame was uncomfortable at first with all the "taking" involved in this role-play.  She was uncomfortable with not contributing as much around the house, and I believe this challenged her self-worth at the time.  This changed gradually with time, moving to acceptance and then into her sense of entitlement that exists today.  The only chore she does today is doing some of the laundry, which she decided I cannot be trusted to do properly.  I do wash the non-delicate items and do all the folding, ironing and putting away.  In truth, I discovered the joy of of being a house husband, and gained competency in  cooking, baking, cleaning and organizing. What has yet to occur is a transition from house husband to house wife.  I'm not sure if Madame will ever decide to move us in that direction, but recently she began reading a series of books by 
Janice C. Parker which details her experiences with making her husband into her full-time maid.  I do know that Madame isn't into the whole sissy-maid theme, but this reading seems to indicate that Madame is evaluating this option for the future.  Perhaps she will decide to adopt a more 50's housewife theme instead.  This "fake" 50's article was published many years ago, but provides a wonderful description of what life would be like for her if she decided that was best for us.  Of course, Madame would be in the role of the husband, not me.

Here are the highlights of the key recommendations with the roles reversed:

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal — on time. This is a way of letting her know that you have been thinking about her, and are concerned about her needs. Most women are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when she arrives. Buff up your appearance, shower if needed and be fresh looking. She has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. Her boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your wife arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your wife will feel she has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures ands he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of her arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see her. Greet her with a warm smile and be glad to see her.

6. Some Don'ts: Don't greet her with problems or complaints. Don't complain if she's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what she might have gone through that day.

7. Make her comfortable: Have her lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest she lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for her. Arrange her pillow and offer to take off her shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow her to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to her: You may have a dozen things to tell her, but the moment of her arrival is not the time. Let her talk first.

9. Make the evening hers: Never complain if she does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand her world of strain and pressure, her need to be home and relax.

10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your wife can relax.

Words of wisdom for anyone pursuing a wife focused marriage!

uxorious mate

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

"Start the practice of self-control with some penance..."

- Title quote by Mahavira

This post is the first in a series that explores the uxorious model of a devoted wife focused marriage, and discusses the concept of penance and how it differs from punishment in this model.

Penance can mean different things to different people.  In our case, penance means an act of self-mortification or devotion performed voluntarily to show sorrow for a wrongdoing.  The purpose of the penance is to demonstrate an adjustment in attitude or behavior that corrects the wrongdoing.  The hope is that these adjustments will eliminate future occurrences of the wrongdoing.  If increasingly firm adjustments do not correct the problem, punishment would follow.  In the uxorious model, penance differs from punishment in several ways.  

First, penance should be undertaken voluntarily.  The specific action required might, in some cases, be chosen by the wife, but the husband agrees to do it as a way to make amends for something done wrong.  Refusing to perform a reasonable act of atonement means not accepting responsibility for actions resulting in the wife's unhappiness.  In that case, punishment would follow. Accepting and completing the penance shows devotion and a willingness to improve. 

The second major difference is that the focus of penance is demonstrating a desire and ability to improve, while the focus of punishment is to correct when either the desire or ability to improve is seriously impaired.   

The third difference is that penance is most effective when the act of atonement is closely related to the wrongdoing, while punishment can be generic.  Punishment could be effective even if it was always the same activity, such as inflicting pain by caning, as long as it was something truly dreaded by the offender.  Play spankings are not punishment in this model.  Perhaps an example of a penance would serve here.

Let's say the wife expects that her personal toilet be spotless at all times.  She would reasonably expect her husband to monitor it's condition frequently, and clean it as often as needed. The first time she discovered a dirty toilet, she might inquire as to why it wasn't cleaned, and instruct that it be cleaned immediately as penance for this wrongdoing, regardless of any inconvenience that might result.  On the second occurrence, she might raise the penance bar by requiring that he immediately spend 30 minutes with his head deep in said toilet in reflection of his wrongdoing before completing the cleaning. For the third offense, perhaps the reflection time increases, or maybe the cleaning is conducted without tools.  The mortification would continue to increase for as long as needed, or until inability or unwillingness to improve is evident.

Finally, penance is most effective when it happens as close to the wrongdoing as possible.  This is well understood in the world of dog training.  If time does pass between the wrongdoing and the penance, it is recommended that the penance be preceded by a discussion of what the expected behavior or rule is, and a re-commitment to improve is obtained.  Punishment, on the other hand, can be equally or more effective when postponed to a future time.  In this case, the waiting can be just as painful as the punishment, and can add to the correction.

It can be challenging to come up with appropriate penance for wrongdoings in the heat of the moment.  It should not always be the burden of the wife to determine appropriate penances.  If nothing comes to her mind immediately, she can demand that he offer up a suitable penance.  If he cannot, I suggest she place him in timeout until he or she determines the penance.

In the resource section are a set of penance cards that can offer some helpful ideas.  The are divided into penances for behavioral, mental, physical and sexual wrongdoings.  These are fairly generic in that they don't always tie back to a specific rule offense, as each couple will have different rules and expectations.  Hopefully they will be helpful in explaining how penance is used in the uxorious model.

uxorious mate

Thursday, September 22, 2016

"...Do battle in chastity and service until you make yourself a king"

- Title quote by Pachomius the Great

In an earlier post "you-make-me-want-to-be-better-man" I discussed that what drives my interest in this lifestyle choice is not the desire to submit, but the desire to grow through service and sacrifice to someone I love.  I am not what the community would refer to as a natural or true submissive. I have a beta personality construct that resides within me alongside my normative alpha personality construct.  Either can be projected externally and embraced internally when appropriate or desired.  In seeking to become a better person through becoming a better husband, I discovered that strengthening the beta personality through devoted service and chastity worked well for me.

I suggest that placing one's wants and needs below that of another could be considered a form of submission.  A good mother puts her wants and needs below that of her child, but do we consider that submission? The diminishing of ego is the same, but it is self imposed rather than coming from the outside through the will of another.  Does this disqualify it as submission?  Would a dominant female reject this form of submission from a man because it wasn't elicited from him by the power of her will?  If she had to choose, would she prefer a man who waits to follow her orders or one who actively anticipates her needs?  Clearly both is better, but I'm guessing the second form is the rarer of the two.

In my opinion, a devoted husband should aspire to learn the needs of his wife and act accordingly even before she recognizes those needs.  This is especially true even if that means his disobedience that might lead to discipline.  For example, the husband pointing out something to the wife that might lead her to some self-discovery but perhaps would be uncomfortable for her.  I understand that great care and restraint is needed when giving another person constructive feedback, and perhaps there is a better example to make my case here.  My point though is this: if my mate was a submissive, I would want them looking out for my best interests full-time and not just fulfilling my orders.  One might guess that only the most confident of dominant women would be comfortable with a submissive evaluating every order in the context of if its good or bad for her and acting accordingly.  It seems to me that enforcing blind compliance would be more certain and comfortable.  

In our case, Madame continues to gradually grow in her authority, which as I previously mentioned, does not come naturally to her.  It seems that creating a safe and stable environment of service and sacrifice around her is empowering that side of her.  It has also opened her up both physically and experientially.  Intimacy and romance has increased between us.  My hope is that she will continue to gain as much or more from this journey than I.

uxorious mate

Friday, September 16, 2016

"The essence of a role-playing game is that it is a group, cooperative experience."

- Title quote by Gary Gygax

I have always loved playing games, especially role playing games which are the adult version of "playing pretend". Its sad that so many people forget how to play pretend as they get older. Role-playing games can be a safe and fun way to explore new dynamics in your marital relationship.   I created the role playing card game Uxorious years ago hoping that it might be a useful tool for our own developing wife centered marriage.  While Madame loved the cards, and the ideas they provided her, she didn't embrace the structured approach suggested by the game.  That is understandable in hindsight, I am a gamer, and like structure and rules, while Madame is not.

The game Uxorious might be useful to someone, even if only as a model for their own role-playing game.  I wrote an introduction document and a quick start guide that explains the game and the cards.  Both are published under the resource section of this blog. The following is the introductory section of the quick start guide:

The following is a guide to a simple game that couples can use to experiment with a fantasy version of a Wife led marriage.  The goal is to have fun, while increasing the intimacy between the Wife and husband.  A sample first game scenario is also provided in a separate document to help show how you might get started using the game.

The rules of this game are flexible, but care should be taken to explore the basics of all five dimensions (Sexual, Behavioral, Physical, Mental, and Emotional) of the Wife led marriage relationship.  Beyond that caveat, most anything else can be added or removed to suit the couple’s interests and goals.
The game uses cards like the ones pictured here as resources. There are vows, pledges, deeds, punishments, penances, and boons. Those of you familiar with the card game Magic the Gathering will recognize the card format I used for this game.  

Most of the images used on these cards were found on the internet. Source credit was listed on the card if known.  If anyone owns the rights to any of these images, please let me know and I will update the attribution or remove the image at your request.

The cards have advanced elements like subtypes and intensity that are not necessary to using the cards in basic play.  These features are explained fully in the quick start guide.

Making the hundreds of cards available was great fun, and I encourage you to try creating your own cards.  Even without using the game rules, the cards can be very useful.  Your wife could pick out all the boon cards that display the rewards she would consider allowing, forming a custom boon deck.  If your lucky she might let you draw one card that will determine the form of your sexual reward. Or maybe she silently hands you a penance card when she is unhappy with your behavior.  The possibilities are endless.

On a final note, the resource documents including the cards are all copyrighted under this Creative Commons 3.0 license:

You can remix, share and do pretty anything you like with this material except make money off of it.  I hope if you find this useful in some way, you will share your creation or ideas with the rest of us.  Enjoy.

~uxorious mate