"Start the practice of self-control with some penance..."

- Title quote by Mahavira

This post is the first in a series that explores the uxorious model of a devoted wife focused marriage, and discusses the concept of penance and how it differs from punishment in this model.

Penance can mean different things to different people.  In our case, penance means an act of self-mortification or devotion performed voluntarily to show sorrow for a wrongdoing.  The purpose of the penance is to demonstrate an adjustment in attitude or behavior that corrects the wrongdoing.  The hope is that these adjustments will eliminate future occurrences of the wrongdoing.  If increasingly firm adjustments do not correct the problem, punishment would follow.  In the uxorious model, penance differs from punishment in several ways.  

First, penance should be undertaken voluntarily.  The specific action required might, in some cases, be chosen by the wife, but the husband agrees to do it as a way to make amends for something done wrong.  Refusing to perform a reasonable act of atonement means not accepting responsibility for actions resulting in the wife's unhappiness.  In that case, punishment would follow. Accepting and completing the penance shows devotion and a willingness to improve. 

The second major difference is that the focus of penance is demonstrating a desire and ability to improve, while the focus of punishment is to correct when either the desire or ability to improve is seriously impaired.   

The third difference is that penance is most effective when the act of atonement is closely related to the wrongdoing, while punishment can be generic.  Punishment could be effective even if it was always the same activity, such as inflicting pain by caning, as long as it was something truly dreaded by the offender.  Play spankings are not punishment in this model.  Perhaps an example of a penance would serve here.

Let's say the wife expects that her personal toilet be spotless at all times.  She would reasonably expect her husband to monitor it's condition frequently, and clean it as often as needed. The first time she discovered a dirty toilet, she might inquire as to why it wasn't cleaned, and instruct that it be cleaned immediately as penance for this wrongdoing, regardless of any inconvenience that might result.  On the second occurrence, she might raise the penance bar by requiring that he immediately spend 30 minutes with his head deep in said toilet in reflection of his wrongdoing before completing the cleaning. For the third offense, perhaps the reflection time increases, or maybe the cleaning is conducted without tools.  The mortification would continue to increase for as long as needed, or until inability or unwillingness to improve is evident.

Finally, penance is most effective when it happens as close to the wrongdoing as possible.  This is well understood in the world of dog training.  If time does pass between the wrongdoing and the penance, it is recommended that the penance be preceded by a discussion of what the expected behavior or rule is, and a re-commitment to improve is obtained.  Punishment, on the other hand, can be equally or more effective when postponed to a future time.  In this case, the waiting can be just as painful as the punishment, and can add to the correction.

It can be challenging to come up with appropriate penance for wrongdoings in the heat of the moment.  It should not always be the burden of the wife to determine appropriate penances.  If nothing comes to her mind immediately, she can demand that he offer up a suitable penance.  If he cannot, I suggest she place him in timeout until he or she determines the penance.

In the resource section are a set of penance cards that can offer some helpful ideas.  The are divided into penances for behavioral, mental, physical and sexual wrongdoings.  These are fairly generic in that they don't always tie back to a specific rule offense, as each couple will have different rules and expectations.  Hopefully they will be helpful in explaining how penance is used in the uxorious model.

~ uxorious mate

"...Do battle in chastity and service until you make yourself a king"

- Title quote by Pachomius the Great


In an earlier post "you-make-me-want-to-be-better-man" I discussed that what drives my interest in this lifestyle choice is not the desire to submit, but the desire to grow through service and sacrifice to someone I love.  I am not what the community would refer to as a natural or true submissive. I have a beta personality construct that resides within me alongside my normative alpha personality construct.  Either can be projected externally and embraced internally when appropriate or desired.  In seeking to become a better person through becoming a better husband, I discovered that strengthening the beta personality through devoted service and chastity worked well for me.

I suggest that placing one's wants and needs below that of another could be considered a form of submission.  A good mother puts her wants and needs below that of her child, but do we consider that submission? The diminishing of ego is the same, but it is self imposed rather than coming from the outside through the will of another.  Does this disqualify it as submission?  Would a dominant female reject this form of submission from a man because it wasn't elicited from him by the power of her will?  If she had to choose, would she prefer a man who waits to follow her orders or one who actively anticipates her needs?  Clearly both is better, but I'm guessing the second form is the rarer of the two.


In my opinion, a devoted husband should aspire to learn the needs of his wife and act accordingly even before she recognizes those needs.  This is especially true even if that means his disobedience that might lead to discipline.  For example, the husband pointing out something to the wife that might lead her to some self-discovery but perhaps would be uncomfortable for her.  I understand that great care and restraint is needed when giving another person constructive feedback, and perhaps there is a better example to make my case here.  My point though is this: if my mate was a submissive, I would want them looking out for my best interests full-time and not just fulfilling my orders.  One might guess that only the most confident of dominant women would be comfortable with a submissive evaluating every order in the context of if its good or bad for her and acting accordingly.  It seems to me that enforcing blind compliance would be more certain and comfortable.  

In our case, Madame continues to gradually grow in her authority, which as I previously mentioned, does not come naturally to her.  It seems that creating a safe and stable environment of service and sacrifice around her is empowering that side of her.  It has also opened her up both physically and experientially.  Intimacy and romance has increased between us.  My hope is that she will continue to gain as much or more from this journey than I.

~ uxorious mate

"The essence of a role-playing game is that it is a group, cooperative experience."

- Title quote by Gary Gygax

I have always loved playing games, especially role playing games which are the adult version of "playing pretend". Its sad that so many people forget how to play pretend as they get older. Role-playing games can be a safe and fun way to explore new dynamics in your marital relationship.   I created the role playing card game Uxorious years ago hoping that it might be a useful tool for our own developing wife centered marriage.  While Madame loved the cards, and the ideas they provided her, she didn't embrace the structured approach suggested by the game.  That is understandable in hindsight, I am a gamer, and like structure and rules, while Madame is not.

The game Uxorious might be useful to someone, even if only as a model for their own role-playing game.  I wrote an introduction document and a quick start guide that explains the game and the cards.  Both are published under the resource section of this blog. The following is the introductory section of the quick start guide:

The following is a guide to a simple game that couples can use to experiment with a fantasy version of a Wife led marriage.  The goal is to have fun, while increasing the intimacy between the Wife and husband.  A sample first game scenario is also provided in a separate document to help show how you might get started using the game.

The rules of this game are flexible, but care should be taken to explore the basics of all five dimensions (Sexual, Behavioral, Physical, Mental, and Emotional) of the Wife led marriage relationship.  Beyond that caveat, most anything else can be added or removed to suit the couple’s interests and goals.

The game uses cards like the ones pictured here as resources. There are vows, pledges, deeds, punishments, penances, and boons. Those of you familiar with the card game Magic the Gathering will recognize the card format I used for this game.  

Most of the images used on these cards were found on the internet. Source credit was listed on the card if known.  If anyone owns the rights to any of these images, please let me know and I will update the attribution or remove the image at your request.

The cards have advanced elements like subtypes and intensity that are not necessary to using the cards in basic play.  These features are explained fully in the quick start guide.

Making the hundreds of cards available was great fun, and I encourage you to try creating your own cards.  Even without using the game rules, the cards can be very useful.  Your wife could pick out all the boon cards that display the rewards she would consider allowing, forming a custom boon deck.  If your lucky she might let you draw one card that will determine the form of your sexual reward. Or maybe she silently hands you a penance card when she is unhappy with your behavior.  The possibilities are endless.

On a final note, the resource documents including the cards are all copyrighted under this Creative Commons 3.0 license:

You can remix, share and do pretty anything you like with this material except make money off of it.  I hope if you find this useful in some way, you will share your creation or ideas with the rest of us.  Enjoy.

~uxorious mate

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”

- Title quote by Mark Twain

This post describes our state of dress when at home and why it works for us.  When in her house, Madame prefers dressing herself for comfort over all else.  She has gradually replaced her lounging wear which used to consist of baggy shorts and tee shirts.  Now when we are home she typically just wears a long, loose tank top that occasionally reveals a view of her breasts and bottom when she moves just right.  She is a professional woman, and as such dresses in classy pants and blouses, or the occasional suit, whenever she ventures out.

In my case, wearing nothing when home is my preferred condition. That wasn't always the case, but as I became more comfortable in my own skin, my skin became comfortable clothing.  Nakedness is also very motivating.  Movement means warmth, so keeping busy has importance in addition to making Madame happy.  A daily physical fitness regimen becomes essential in maintaining an attractive appearance, as there is nothing to hide behind. Manscaping becomes a more frequent activity.  And most importantly, it is motivating because all of the above pleases Madame.

This isn't to say that I am always completely naked when at home. There are actually two items that I wear more often than not.  The first is a short waist apron usually seen in commercial restaurants. This is a picture of the exact one. 

The utility of this little item cannot be overstated.  First, I needed something to put my cellphone into while I moved about.  Holding the phone interfered with the performing my duties, so I constantly put it down and subsequently would lose track of it.  This only led to it being away from me when Madame rang for something.  The ring is a tea-bell chime that doesn't carry far, and not responding quickly to her texts makes no one happy.  Finding this apron was the perfect solution.  An added advantage in the design is if the cellphone is set to also vibrate and placed in the middle pocket, Madame's text messages and calls are more stimulating than ever.  The left pocket hold a pad of paper and a pen for jotting down thoughts or recording Madame's instructions.  The right pocket is left empty, ready for things like scissors, screw drivers, etc. as the day demands.

The second item is probably familiar to most of you, the Holy Trainer, version 2

The color is a very close match to the apron above, and Madame is pleased with her choices.  Neither of us are into feminization in and of itself, but we both appreciate the power of the color pink in dampening the male ego.  The combination of these two items leaves no question as to the relative status of the members of this household.  This combination is zen-like in its simplicity, utility and statement of service and submission.  It may not be for everyone, but it works very well for us.

~uxorious mate

"You make me want to be a better man"

The title of this entry is a quote from the movie As good as it gets, by actor Jack Nicholson. That phrase encapsulates the driving force behind my perspective on wife centered marriage (WCM). Although we played at femdom and related kinks in our 20 years of marriage, it wasn't until I discovered that sustaining a focus on my wife would help me become a better husband.  I subsequently learned that becoming a better husband leads me towards my goal of becoming a better person.  

I use the term WCM rather than wife led marriage or female led relationship because it is a better description of our relationship. Like many women, Madame is an introvert and was not accustomed to, nor confident with leading in a relationship. However, she is exceptionally kind, loving, and nurturing.  Like many men drawn to this lifestyle, I was a self centered, alpha male who spent most of his life directing large numbers of men and women.  Submission isn't something that came naturally to me, but it is something that can be learned and internalized.

My early attempts at asking Madame to take charge so I could respond submissively didn't work.  In hindsight, I was attempting to draw her into leadership using my leadership skills.  Frankly, nothing worked well until I explained to her that I wanted to be a better husband, and then proved it to her by acting differently. As time progressed, Madame became more comfortable with the new me, and admits she rather enjoys being waited on and pleasured without concerns about reciprocating.  For my part, I found joy in sacrifice and service to the one I love.  She may never lead in a manner that is typically described in WLM website and stories, but she is always the most important person in our relationship.  Life is good.

Given these circumstances, the challenges of moving from a husband centric marriage to a wife centered marriage are legion. The good news is that change is possible.  While every relationship is different, I am confident that there is a path forward for everyone seeking a better marriage.  Finding your way may not be easy, but there are "lessons learned" on the web that can guide you, or at least help you avoid the most common pitfalls.  It also helps to conceptualize a road-map for your journey. The one I recommend has three macro steps.

First, picture what your marriage might look like if it was "right". The definition of "right" will change and change again over time by reality testing (your and your spouse's response to elements of that vision), but in the beginning just visualize in detail what you desire. Next, conduct a comprehensive evaluation of all aspects of your marriage as it stands, including your and your spouse's strengths, weaknesses and stated limits.  This is referred to as a SWOT analysis; strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats.  It will help you identify what to work on first, what to avoid asking for, and aid in revising your picture formed in step 1.  Finally, adopt and maintain behaviors (until they become habit) that move you closer to the picture you visualized.  Do this without any requests or expectation of any change of behavior from your spouse.  It is not easy at first to make a new habit of giving unconditionally, but I believe it is an important and perhaps essential step.
In time, you might experience your spouse showing her unsolicited appreciation by gifting you some of the elements in your picture.

~uxorious mate

“Give, but give until it hurts.”

- Title quote by Saint (AKA Mother) Teresa

One nice thing about getting older is caring less about the possible consequences of your riskier decisions.  I would never have dreamed of riding a motorcycle when my children were dependent on my income.   Now that they are independent adults, what I have is more than enough to allow my wife a care free life in the event of a fatal accident.  Although I have been a lurking member of our community since the early days of the internet, I thought the risk of becoming a more active member exceeded the benefits.  Things change.  My hope is that I might now contribute some useful ideas and opinions, in part to pay back all the wisdom and enjoyment that we have consumed over the years.  

I do not intend to use this Blogger site as a diary of our lives as many choose to do.  While it is an excellent forum to discuss and work through the challenges of this lifestyle choice, Madame and I are fortunate to have found a pleasant and comfortable style that suits us well.  It is likely that future posts will be extended commentary on topics posted by others, some original games and guides that might prove useful to novices, and occasional ramblings on topics not well covered on other internet sites.   Hopefully someone might find this site to be as useful as we have found other sites to be; such as the ones listed in the sidebar.

Regards,

~uxorious mate